It all fell apart!
Anonymous asks: So I apologize in advance for this super long vent. But, recently, my boyfriend and I “broke up” but the way he did it was just very confusing and i don’t understand what he wants or what I should do. I can’t tell if he is going to regret this, if he wants to work things out, or what. We “dated twice” in middle school (doesn’t count, just setting grounds that we know each other” once in high school, freshman year (still, to me, was too young) and now we are both 18. HIM = boyfriend, HER = friend. Here is the story:
Basically what happened was, not this past saturday, but a week ago Saturday, HIM and I were supposed to go to see Evil Dead. I was wanting to go to a movie because we typically just hang around and watch movies or something at his house or mine, and I just wanted to get out. So that Friday before I was like “We should go see a movie tomorrow.” And he, sure enough, says: “That sounds good, I’ll take you tomorrow for sure.” So tomorrow, as in Saturday comes. (April 6th) and I go out with my friend HER during the day to shop and play lazer tag with my sisters. I get home around 6, eat dinner, at its like 8 p.m. So I text him something along the lines of: “Are we going tonight?” And he has iMessage, so idk if you know what reading receipts are, but if you dont, its when two iphones text each other, it will tell you when they read/open the text you sent them and the time they looked at it. So he looks at that and doesn’t respond for a good half hour, and it was getting late. So i say: “Okay either we can go or I’ll just call up HER and we’ll go instead.” and he responds: “I’m really sorry I’ve been in and out of sleep, I’ve been sick all day and I’m coming down with something.” At first I was a little irritated, but, it turned out he caught what his mom had and got REALLY sick the next day.
Monday comes. I find out my grandpa has to go to the hospital for knee surgery. Which is fine. But, for some reason, he was a lot worse than we all knew. Terrible heart problems, horrible lung issues, and he wasn’t getting enough oxygen to the brain. It was a lot worse than we thought. It started to stress me out. I’ve never dealt with a family death before, and this was a possibility. I was sorta a ‘downer’ that week, even with texting HIM, and he was still super sick at this time. I was crabby and I didn’t know why I felt so hormonal. At that point I had gotten my period at least two weeks ago. Which was why i didn’t understand why i felt so sad and off.
Then I started to feel like I was bothering HIM a lot. He kept reassuring that he was just sleeping a lot and very sick. I hadn’t seen him all week, and i Kept texting him thinking I was doing something wrong. I’m a huge worry wart. I just was a hormonal, sad, mess. I didn’t know what to think of it either. So Friday comes and he is feeling much better. He asked if he could come over to see me. So he did, and everything was PERFECTLY normal. Like he was laughing, super stuffy sounding, but, joking around, playing with the dogs, being near me, not being distant AT ALL.
He had his usual goofy, flirtatious attitude. So we decide to go to his house for a little later that night around 8. I get there and his good sisterly friend is there and his mom is there. We all sit together in the living room for the night. He kept jumping on his computer though in the room, and looked super frustrated. He was taking the practice military test over and over, and not scoring well on it. And he wants to go into the service REALLY bad. Like he wants to change his life and future and wants people to take in the new attitude he has and to stop judging him on his middle school/high school ways.
School has been important to him, he isn’t going to our school anymore. He’s been going to a different school that has been helping him immensely and he’s been getting nothing but A’s and B’s and he’s been trying really hard to focus. This school puts a lot on responsibility if you are 18, they think that the parents shouldn’t be as involved supposedly, so it adds a little more stress to his life. I was irritated again that night though, because we were supposed to go somewhere, and yet again, we didn’t. So i left and he followed me out, continuously asking me “Whats wrong? Whats wrong?” and i told him nothing, i didn’t want ot start anything, and I left.
He texted me that night: “I want to take you to a movie tomorrow. Want to go? I’d like us to.” And I said: “I’d love to. I’m just doing something with HER during the day. Then most likely can.” So saturday, (April 13th) as in a few days ago, comes around. I was at the school from 9-1 prepping for an art fashion show. I get home, shower, get all ready to go in a matter of two fucking hours LOL and i text him “When do you want to go.” He reads it but never responds. Another hour. I text him “I thought we were going to a movie?” And he texts back “I wanted to, but you told me you were hanging out with HER?” and it was a big confusion and i was pretty angry that night.
I wasn’t sure if he really got confused or what. So I tell him I don’t have work sunday, and he said he’d see me tomorrow. Sunday comes. I text him in the morning and he tells me he’ll stop by at 7. So we carry on normal conversations, and neither of us are HUGE texters. But he started to ignore a lot of my texts. Like I would accidentally send around 4-5 witihin an hour. every so often he’d answer. It was weird, but I didn’t think much of it, because later when he came over he explained he was with his friends all day. I asked him why we never went anywhere and told him i was upset about saturday because I got all ready.
He told me he was sincerely sorry for misunderstanding, and that he just doesn’t have the time to go to a lot of places. he said he doesn’t want me near his friends too because they are reckless (Which some of them definitely are) and he doesn’t want me getting in trouble or hurt. So i appreciated that. And I told him I was just overwhelmed and continued to think I was doing something wrong. He kept telling me I wasn’t, but I kept worrying. Still having emoitional break downs for some reason. He kept saying that he cared for me and that if I needed to talk to him he’d be there. Then he had to leave for dinner, his mom got him, and he said he’d come back later. Later came. He never did. He was working out and said he’d come by in an hour, the hour went by, and he saw my texts asking if he was coming, but never answered.
That night I texted him how I wanted to make sure I REALLY wasn’t doing something to upset him. I shouldn’t have because I felt like he was getting irritated with the fact I continued to ask that. But i was hormonally out of control. And he told me I just had a bad week and I was over thinking things and he said goodnight.
So monday came around, and I had this worried feeling in my gut. And yes, I admit, I was texting him a lot of concerned texts, kind of too many now that I look back. I seemed pesky. I asked him “Do you still want to be together?” And he said “Of course I do.” And i CONTINUED to be an idiot and ask “Well things don’t seem okay.” and blah blah blah. I was nuts. I had a feeling I was doing something wrong. I should have just trusted him. But like I said, I was cooky with hormones. So I get home from school and I text him and he is barely answering at all through spans of 4-5 texts. To the point of where at about 9 he completely stopped texting me all together. He usually at least says goodnight, but not even that happened. Which was odd. Morning came.
I got my period. I had it only two weeks ago. I was relieved to find that my little emoitonal break downs were because of that, and I wasn’t crazy lol. But it caught me off guard so I didn’t suspect it. I once again attempted to talk to him, and he still talked to me. Tuesday was a lot better from monday and sunday evening. he started to talk more after school, and I asked him yet again if he’d please stop by before or after class just to talk and figure things out so I could be reassured. He said he’d come at 9. So 8:45 comes. I asked him if he wanted to stop by, he said “Eh idk. I’m tired.” And that was weird because usually he does. I sent about, guiltily, 8 texts until 10:30, the first asking if he was coming, which he read, and never responded to, and the last was asking him to call me to talk. he said “Sounds good what are you doing.” Which pissed me off. We texted a little, he said goodnight, and i went to sleep.
That morning (wednesday) I apologized for how I was acting and told him that I was on my period and thats why I spazzing so much. We talked a little more and he said “I’ll talk to you about things later.” He had to go to school. he can’t have his phone at school. So He calls me about 4 and this is what happens:
“MY NAME HERE, you and I have been really stressed lately. I need to get good grades and I need to do well on this military test. I just can’t be in a relationship right now, I don’t have the focus.” After being a bit upset and confused, but at the same time i felt like I knew it was coming, i admitted “I think I should focus on my tests as well. I’m sorry I cant be there to help you get through it. But understand that i can’t go through this again for a fourth time. I can’t.” (as in dating) and he got a little flabbergasted and said: “Why not? I want to keep talking to you and I don’t want to drop what we had. Just right now I can’t do it.” And i said “Well what does that mean? Am I supposed to wait around?” and he said: “I can’t make you do anything. I want to see where things go in the summertime when I can settle down with my life.”
and i said “My family wont let a fourth time happen HIM.” And he said “MY NAME HERE its not their decision, its yours. They can’t tell you who you can and can’t date. You’re 18.” (I think he started to defend it because he really didn’t want to end on bad terms, and this is where i feel like he is going to regret this phone call.) and he said “I still want to be friends for now, to talk to each other. I don’t want this to end messy because i don’t know what the future holds in the summer.”
and then we just kinda finished up, texted a little about it, and then ended well. So I’m not devastated. Sad? Yes. Confused? Very.
So this is where I am confused. I don’t understand what he wants. What he is doing. I decided to give him his space, I haven’t said a word to him for the past 3 days and I want to continue to give him his space before I attempt to see how he is doing. Will that help? Do you think my spaz-concerned texting irritated him? Do you think he has feelings/will regret? Does it sound like we’ll work things out? I just don’t know what to think.
Girl, GIRLLLLLL, you need to calmmmmmm downnnnnnn. This is the overwhelming lesson you need to learn. You were freaking out. You even admit that you were freaking out. But while you were, yeah, kinda texting a lot and feeling pesky, you were DEFINITELY adding to his stress. It may feel moderately stressful to you, but if he was already feeling bad, you were only compounding his problems and making them so much worse.
Will this space help? Yes, it definitely should help. I’m glad I waited to respond to you, because hopefully you gave him that space, and hopefully both of y’all have emotionally calmed down now that summer is even closer. If you’re still thinking about things with him - even just as friends - keep giving him his distance. He clearly needs it.
Do I think your spazzy texting irritated him. YES. I love texting girls I’m dating - it’s my primary mode of communication. But if my girlfriend is just like, sending me a zillion texts every hour constantly asking if things are okay, what’s wrong, what’s bothering you, you’re mad aren’t you, oh you’re not mad i’m glad, but you seem off, you’re off aren’t you, what’s wrong…. See the problem? It’s this constant stream of information of you trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. You were trying to fix something that wasn’t broken, and making the situation worse with every word. He finally couldn’t take the pressure of something “maybe being wrong,” and he believed something was wrong; when he couldn’t fix the problem (the one that was created because both of you were acting emotionally, which had no fix, as the problem was fictional), he snapped, and broke off the entire relationship. It was a constructed problem that never existed, and I’m sorry it broke things off between you. But what is important to learn is that if you gave him more space, this might not have happened.
I’m positive he’ll have feeling he’ll regret. He sounds sincere when he was trying to say “I don’t want this break up to be permanent.” He had a lot of pressure on him, and he was trying to cope. Your chattering wasn’t making it easier, and was in fact making it worse. When he finally breaks it off, thinking he needs to have space and care for yourself, and hopefully you care about him enough to let him take care of his own health, you say NOPE NO FRIENDSHIP SCREW THAT NOISE. I wouldn’t be surprised if he horribly regrets trying to fix the problem. He saw the problem, tried to fix the problem, and was punished for fixing the problem you created, which no doubt made him feel even worse. It’s so convoluted, but all the emotions that are going to come out of this situation are negative. Nothing good can come from this type of pointless bickering, another important lesson to be learned.
Finally, I don’t know if things will work out. There’s a lot of potential. He obviously wants to make the effort to work out, and he seems like he’s willing to try to make things happen. But YOU have to give him the space that he needs, and apologize for overreacting. And there’s no guarantee that he has to forgive you. Your pressure snapped the relationship, and that’s going to hurt. You can’t assume that he can just let bygones be bygones. He may be able to, but you have to make a conscious effort to both rebuild a relationship - even if it’s just a friendship - and to NOT PRESSURE HIM. You can’t come on so strong, especially when your friend/lover is in a sensitive, fragile state. You will only and always make things worse.
Bottom line is, we can’t predict the future. But if you want to try to work things out with him, start making an effort. Apologize for the way you acted, even if you don’t think you did anything wrong. Just do it. He’ll appreciate the empathy. Then start from square one, and try to win back his trust over time. It might take a few weeks, it might take a few years. If you want it, just keep trying. If you don’t have that patience, leave him be.